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Lincoln, Joseph Crosby, 1870-1944

"Cap'n Warren's Wards"

When I fust
see the dog leadin' her I thought she was blind, but I guess she
was deef and dumb instead. Anyhow, all she said was 'Ugh!' not very
enthusiastic, at that, and went along. Ho! ho! So then I asked a man,
and he pointed to a bus right in front of me. You see, I was lookin' for
the horses, same as they used to be, and this was an automobile.
"I blushed, I guess, just to show that there was some red underneath
the green, and climbed aboard the omnibus. I rode along for a spell,
admirin' as much of the scenery as I could see between the women's hats,
then I told the skipper of the thing that I wanted to make port at 82nd
Street. He said 'Ugh,' apparently suff'rin' from the same complaint the
dog woman had, and we went on and on. At last I got kind of anxious and
asked him again.
"'Eighty-second!' says he, ugly. 'This is Ninety-first.'
"'Good land!' says I. 'I wanted Eighty-second.'
"'Why didn't you say so?' says he, lookin' as if I'd stole his mother's
spoons.
"'I did,' says I.
"'You DID?' he snarls. 'You did not! If you did, wouldn't I have heard
you?'
"Well, any answer I'd be likely to make to that would have meant more
argument, and the bus was sailin' right along at the time, so I piled
out and did some more walkin', the other way.


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